Twenty years ago, I was writing a series of weekly newspaper articles that were mainly concerned with security issues. The one that follows used an experience I had in a Dale Carnegie class to point out that America was getting tired of crooks and cretains just ignoring all the relevant laws and social mores that helped keep our veneer of civilization from craking and falling apart.

Then, yesterday, a “friend” on Face Book posted a story (Joke) about Texas women being independent and willing to do things their own way. That story reminded me of this one about a real cowboy and “Momma” , his wife.

Hope you enjoy it….

Remember, Don’t Booger Momma!

By Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 1992, 2012 All rights reserved

            I met Buck and Momma Sumpter (not their real names) at a Dale Carnegie class in 1972.  Buck was a real, honest-to-goodness cowboy, who had literally spent years “in the saddle.”  Momma, Buck’s wife, was bigger than Buck and carried herself like she just wouldn’t “book no foolishness from nobody.”  This, as I later found out, was mostly true.  However, Momma had a marvelous sense of humor and a soft spot for strays and hard luck stories.

At any rate, part of the Dale Carnegie training required each “student” to relate a story about something that had happened during their life that made a lasting impression on them, and what they had learned from the experience.

When Buck’s turn came, he told the following story.

“We was workin’ on a ranch in Wes’Texasan’ Momma an’ me had us a little house down the road from the ranch.  One day, the fellas and I decided to go into town after we was finished work an’ have us a beer or two.”

“Well, we all met up at a place where the music was good an’ the beer was cold an’ ‘fore I knew it, I’d had more beers than I could remember, an’ I could jest make out that the clock said it was midnight.  Man!  I knew Momma was gonna be UNHAPPY!  We didn’t have a phone, an’ I couldn’t call her.  So, I had another beer whilst I thought it out.”

“An’ while thinkin’, I drunk enough of that good, cold beer to get a little confused about where I parked my car.  Truth was, I just plain couldn’t find it.  Not wantin’ to waste more time, I decided I could walk the four miles to the house, in an hour, easy.  An’ I figured it wouldn’t hurt to carry a six-pack along.  After all, it was a warm night”

“Bout the time I got close to the house, I had drunk three of the beers an’ I saw a light still on.  I knew Momma was waitin’ up, an’ I was in for it.  So, real quiet like I snuck up to the house figurin’ that if Momma had dozed off, I could slip in an’ she’d never know, right?  Wouldn’t ya’ know it?  I kin’ a peeked through the screen door an’ Momma was bright-eyed an’ readin’.”

“I knew I couldn’t sneak in, an’ I thought about it a bit an’ figured the only thing to do was have a little fun with Momma an’ try to kid her inta forgettin I told her I’d be back earlier.  So, I snuck real quiet like to the window that Momma was sittin’ by, jumped up real quick an’ let out the godawfulest roar I could.”

“Did that booger Momma!?  Man, let me tell you!  Momma come outa that chair like the devil’d grabbed her ankle!  She turnst t’wards the window with my 12-guage on her hip…an” I knew boogerin” Momma weren’t the best idea I’d ever had!  I threw the last three beers straight up in the air an’ fell back’ards to the ground yellin’, Momma!  (KAYBOOM!).  It’s me!  (KAYBOOM!).  Buck!”

“Momma’s first shot took out the top of the window an’ the three beers I throwed in the air.  Her second took out the screen in the bottom of the window.  I’m lucky t’be here ‘cause that lady knows how to use a shotgun!  An’ if I hadn’t been jest plain, fallin’ down drunk lucky, she’d a got me for sure!”

The instructor asked Buck what he had learned from the experience and Buck said, “I learned that you don’t booger Momma!”

I remembered the foregoing the other day when I saw two bumper stickers on the same car.  One said, “Fight Crime:  Shoot Back!” and the other one said, “When Momma ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy!”  Then several other things popped into my mind.

More Americans than ever are buying guns for protection.  More Americans than ever are taking self-defense classes.  More Americans than ever are demanding their streets and neighborhoods back.  More Americans than ever want stiffer punishment for criminals

Those facts should send Tommy and Tessie Thug a very clear and forceful message:  “Momma (America) ain’t happy!  So, don’t booger Momma!”

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Politics: The Birds and The Bees 101

By: Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 2011

I must make this disclaimer: I really don’t feel I can judge anyone for their dalliance in what, I believe has, colloquially, been called “Mattress Thrashing.” How I feel about the “act” and the sexual orientation of the participants doesn’t matter — particularly if the dalliance is a consensual act between adults. 

Not everyone feels that way. I understand that too. Regardless, the birds, bees and mankind in general “do it” without regard to whatever the consequences may be. That’s their personal choice.

But if they make that decision then they need to be ready to take the consequences of their actions without complaining that someone (Usually, the “media”) is trying to smear them.

 Throughout history, kings, commoners, princes, politicians, paupers, preachers, teachers and a Titanic-load of other folks  have been caught messing around with someone they shouldn’t have been messing around with.

It’s a fact. It’s happened time after time and will continue to happen until the final curtain falls.

Nonetheless, it seems like nothing getsAmerica’s attention faster — and their pulses racing — then the bedroom antics of political figures. Look what happened to Herman Cain. I wrote a piece comparing Cain and Hart — both of whom threw their pants into the ring rather then their hats. Well, to be fair, Cain’s accusers still haven’t proven their claims but the innuendo was enough to bring him down. 

Throughout history, sexual proclivities have scuttled many promising political careers.

Judges, senators, presidents, governors, congressman, mayors, political staffers, assemblymen and representatives have all been caught up in some sort of sleazy tabloid sheet escapade that put the squelch on their careers. Lately, even the main-stream press is joining in the ink-throwing and career bashing by reporting the higher profile entanglements.

Surprisingly, some of those who became entwined in a sexual liaison/scandal survived and went on with their careers. While others, bit the dust and lost their office, credibility and more. Both types (Winners and losers?) have left an historical legacy of lechery for their contemporary  counterparts.

Anyway, I got curious and thought I’d see what I could find out about the depth of the pandering problem among politicians. Not that they would be any worse then the population in general but would be far more likely to attract attention. I found thatAmerica’s pols truly were following a long tradition of between-the-sheets shenanigans that goes back to Thomas Jefferson!

Actually, the issue probably goes much further back then Jefferson but, in the interests of space considerations, I had to have a beginning, a middle and an end to this passionately pursued, lasciviousness by America’s leaders — or it might have turned into a book rather than a blog! 

The most recent honorable (?) mention would go to Herman Cain and Anthony Wiener but for some of the more memorable, we have to go back to William Jefferson Clinton and Monica Lewinsky and the infamous Cuban cigar trick. Before the time BillClintonestablished relations with Monica, and while still governor ofAlabama, he had apparently honed his expertise with Jennifer Flowers and Paula Jones…

I’m sure that many of us remember Gary Hart and the good ship Monkey Business whereGary monkeyed around with Donna Rice.Gary was caught out shortly after challenging the major papers of the day to “follow” him around if they thought he was involved in any hanky-panky. They did and he was caught with Donna cozying up to each other…

Wilbur Mills was Chairman of theHouse Waysand Means Committee. Even with all of his Senatorial clout he couldn’t cover up his drunken drive around theTidalBasinwith Fanne Fox, a well known stripper. Fanne was billed as “The Argentine Firecracker.” Later Mills held a press conference from Fanne’s dressing room in The Pilgrim Theater (Boston). Soon after this second “incident” Mills stepped down from his Chairmanship.

Thomas Jefferson, our third president and author of the Declaration of Independence fathered a child. The mother was Sally Hemmings, a 17 year-old slave belonging toJefferson. Now, we could probably excuse Tom from the scandal part since slave owners were permitted wide latitude with regard to how they “treated” their property…

Brock Adams, a Democratic senator from Washington, decided not to seek re-election after eight women alleged misconduct that included harassment, sexual assault and rape!

Jim West, former Mayor of Spokane, WA (Must be something in the water, up there) and

Washington State Senate Majority Leader (With a strong anti-gay bias) sought to meet men on the Internet and allegedly molested two young boys while serving as a scoutmaster.

Walter Jenkins, a long-time aide to Lyndon Johnson, was forced to resign after he was caught having sex with another man in a YMCA bathroom.

Grover Clevelandfathered an illegitimate child before running for President. His detractors mounted a campaign issue that didn’t stick. The “smear” was based on the jingle: “Ma, Ma, where’s my pa?” Grover supporters came back with their own ditty: “Gone to the White House Ha, ha, ha.” 

That’s just a sampling of what’s been going on behind the scenes in the White House, governor’s mansions, congress, the senate and political offices around the country — throughout history. 

Today, these folks seem to get caught more and more frequently as smart phones, digital cameras and iPads record their shenanigans. The foregoing is just a small sampling of sexual scandals among politicians and it is not meant to be judgmental.

Personally, I don’t care what they do — with the exception of child abuse and forced sex — or who they do it with (Provided it’s an act between consenting adults and does not include children or forcing, by threat or action, someone to play their twisted games) as long as they do the job that they were elected to do.

The reality is that all too often the sheets that they shake, and the persons they share those sheets with; become more important to them than almost anything else. That will tend to negatively influence their ability to do their job properly.

Like I said, this is only a sampling. If you would like to see the “Top 53 American Political Sex Scandals” click on this link:

http://www.politickernj.com/files/Top53SexScandals.pdf  

Some of these escapades will make you giggle in your grits and others might make you shake your head in wonder. They all indicate that the “mighty” are only human, too.

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Is It Over For Herman?

By Jake Jakubuwski

Copyright, 2011

Is Herman Cain gonna drop out of the race for president?

Like numerous others, I don’t know; but I wouldn’t be surprised if he did.

If he’s “guilty” of the accusations leveled against him AND if he did have a 13-year affair with Ms. White — I’m of the opinion he should just get out while that getting’ is good. That is, before the GOP forces him out or he becomes the laughingstock of the primaries and the target of every other candidate who will try to explain that they are more “moral” and family oriented then Herman Cain.

I’ve read a lot about the “reassessment” that he feels compelled to make regarding his candidacy. Yeah, he does need to redefine his “mission” and prove he is trustworthy. Much of what he has been saying indicates that he needs to talk the situation over with his wife, family and campaign staff.

At another point he says he has spoken with his wife and she “forgives” him. Of what? I mean if he didn’t’ do it … what’s to forgive? If he did do it, then forgiveness is in order.

But then, how do we, the electorate, feel about his integrity? If he didn’t do it he’s gonna have a helluva battle in front of him to regain our confidence. If he did do it; then he’s apparently just as big a prevaricator as any politician anywhere — of any persuasion or affiliation.

Personally, I think he’s gonna announce his withdrawal from the race. But we won’t know until we hear him say it. What intrigues me is what he’s saying to his wife. Because I’ve got sort of a warped way of thinking, I thought it would be fun to speculate on what he might have to say to his wife about his peccadilloes, or lack thereof.

GUILTY: “Gloria, I know this looks bad but I swear I never did nothing with any of those women and it’s all a smear campaign designed to besmirch my sterling reputation as a family man, business man and candidate!” (This being said while the florist is unloading a whole truck — full of roses).

NOT GUILTY: “Gloria, I know this looks bad, but I swear I never did nothing with any of those women and it’s all a smear campaign designed to besmirch my sterling reputation as a family man, business man and candidate”” (This being said while the florist is unloading a whole truck — full of roses).

GUILTY: “Gloria, you know that I have never, ever, looked at another woman in all the years we’ve been married. You are the only woman in my life and we have to fight this thing together in order to win this election so you can be the First Lady of theUnited States!” (This being said while an armored delivery service brings in a matched set of diamond earrings, necklace and bracelet from Tiffany’s”).

NOT GUILTY: “Gloria, you know that I have never, ever, looked at another woman in all the years we’ve been married. You are the only woman in my life and we have to fight this thing together in order to win this election so you can be the First Lady of theUnited States!” (This being said while an armored delivery service brings in a matched set of diamond earrings, necklace and bracelet from Tiffany’s”).

GUILTY: “Gloria, I know you’re upset, but I can explain! The important thing right now is not my candidacy but our marriage and presenting a united front to all those vultures in the media who would do anything to destroy us and your chances to be First Lady!”

NOT GUILTY:  “Gloria, I know you’re upset, but I can explain! The important thing right now is not my candidacy but our marriage and presenting a united front to all those vultures in the media who would do anything to destroy us and your chances to be First Lady!”

 Yep! I think Mr. Cain’s got himself into one sorry mess (Whether he’s guilty or not) and he’s gonna have to do some fancy dancin’ to come out of this with a whole skin. 

On the other hand, if he does drop out, and he does close down his campaign, what happens to any of those millions of donated dollars that might be left over in his “War” chest? It could be that there’s enough there to permit him to have earned a fairly good “wage” while campaigning.

In spite of what he might like to do with that money (Like pay for all those roses, jewelry, trips to fights in Las Vegas and expensive dinners.), he’s prohibited by the Ethics Reform Act of 1989 to use that money for personal reasons. Maybe he could figure out a way to give it to Ms. White, or use it to pay off his other accusers.

The ERA mandates some pretty stiff penalties regarding the disposal of that money. So, if he spent any of that money contrary to the guidelines of the Ethics Reform Act, he could be clobbered by the FEC and the IRS…unless of course he would stoop to some sort of creative bookkeeping.

GUILTY: “Mr. Revenuer, do you have any idea who you’re dealing with?”

Personally, I liked a lot of what the guy had to say. I’m not saying I would have voted for him, but he seemed to have his head on pretty straight. I think that all these accusations that have surfaced  tend  to indicate that his libido was as out of whack as his “9-9-9” idea. 

Maybe Cain should watch this video. It wasn’t written for folks like him but might be apropos …

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tMwhl4IrPNc

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